Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Evening and the Morning

Disclosure: This blog post is full of complaining. Not I-hate-my-life complaining. Not even I-wish-this-would-change complaining. Just I-feel-better-when-I-laugh-about-things-that-happen-to-me complaining. It's all about finding the humor. Carry on.

I was tired and ready to go to bed at 9:30 last night. I didn't go to bed until 2:30 this morning.

Last night I climbed the stairs to my bed fully intending to fall asleep within the next 30 minutes. I usually talk to Silas while I fall asleep - but he was out with friends so I brought a couple pregnancy books up with me so I could read myself to sleep. I got really absorbed in this one book and I soon realized I had been reading it for over an hour and I was falling asleep. Perfect, I thought, just what I had intended. And I got up to turn off the light.

No sooner had  I crawled back into bed and swathed myself in my big soft comforter than I realized Oh crap! I have to pee. If this is TMI for you I highly suggest you not read my blog over the next nine months, as I really do think that this phenomenon of me-having-to-pee-and-then-telling-you-about-it is going to stop any time in the near future.

Now, there are four stages of having-to-pee-in-the-middle-of-the-night. The first is realization. It is usually accompanied by expletives and a profound desire to either kill yourself or wet the bed.  The second is denial. This is when you tell yourself you're just paranoid and you definitely do NOT have to pee. You are a human! You can control your urges! You can wait until the morning! Sadly, the third stage usually doesn't take place until about 20 minutes after the first stage. This is acceptance. And it usually happens when you finally come to the conclusion that you simply cannot go to sleep while containing lake Erie inside your body and that raging storm inside you must be quieted. The fourth stage is hate. Hate yourself for not getting up 20 minutes sooner. Hate the air for being so cold. Hate the stairs for trying to kill you. Hate the light in the bathroom. Hate the toilet seat for being so freaking cold. Hate the neighbors, who seem to be having a good time downstairs, for not being as tired/miserable as you are. Hate the stairs again.

Anyway, all that happened at 11:00. Start to finish that takes about 30 minutes. So by 11:30 I was tucked away in my bed again. It took awhile to get back in sleep mode but it finally happened and I began to slip out of conciseness... and then my husband got home. Our stairs are really loud. I don't think I realized till last night just how loud they were! Don't listen, I told myself, stay asleep... slip back into happy oblivion! I knew I could do this. Just stay asleep until Silas comes up. Ok. Hmmm. Ladadadada. I wonder how long it will take him. NOOOOOO! GO BACK TO SLEEP SELF! I ORDER YOU! Crap, I'm waking up. No, no, I'm awake.

"You're home sooner than I expected." I wonder if he can hear me downstairs. "Yep." Contact established. "Are you coming up soon?" I'm fully awake now and want to unload everything I learned from the book I was reading that has been in the back for my mind this whole time. "Yep." Good, good, this won't be so bad. Twenty minutes later "Are you coming up?" "Yep." Ten minutes later I go down stairs "Why did you get up! You look like you just woke up! You should have stayed asleep. I'll be right up!" I laugh "Oh, honey, I have NOT gone to sleep yet." Ten more minutes down stairs while Silas finishes a project.

Finally about 12:30 we head up to bed. I'm all excited to talk - Silas clearly wants to go straight to sleep. Bickering over whether we should talk or whether we should sleep ensues. Silas wins and goes to sleep.  It is now well past 1 AM.

I realize I'm thirsty. Really thirsty. Begin the four steps of I'm-thirsty-in-the-middle-of-the-night which are pretty much the same as the four steps of having-to-pee-in-the-middle-of-the-night. Except for some reason I never made it back to bed. I got side tracked and spent an hour on the couch checking facebook, blogs, and generally wasting time. I finally feel sleepy and head up to bed. Again.

I would like to say that at this point I finally went to sleep and proceeded to get a good 9 hours of sleep. But something horrible happened. As soon as I started to fall asleep my tummy grumbled. AHHHHH! NOOOO!!!! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME! I completely skip step 3 of being-starving-in-the-middle-of-the-night because there is absolutely no denying that my stomach just yelled at me. And if I force myself to go back to sleep (I've done it before.) I am going to be violently ill in the morning from letting my blood sugar drop too low.

(See, I have this baby inside me that sucks all the nutrients from my body so I have to eat more often to keep my blood sugar up so I don't puke, pass out, or pass out in my puke.)

So, I resist the urge to wake my poor, exhausted husband up and make him bring me food and I drag my butt out of bed for the umteenth time in 4 hours. I want a banana. Of course I ate the last banana the previous afternoon. I look in the fridge. I just want something light. Penne and chicken in vodka sauce. Nice. Not light. Rice and poppyseed chicken. Nice. Not light. Bowl of homemade frosting. Nice. Definitely not light. Cup of yogurt. Perfect.

I curl up on the couch to eat my yogurt. I wrap myself in a blanket and proceed to open up my laptop. Stalk my friends... and my friend's friends on facebook. Complain to the Internets that I'm not asleep. Finish my yogurt. GO TO BED. Yes. Really. I honestly went to bed. Finally.

Only to be woken by my husband at some ridiculously early hour. He overslept and was late for work because I had kept him up arguing last night and now he needed me to drive him to work then return the zipcar. No time for shower. No time for eating. Just time for driving. I did however, avail myself of the opportunity of having him trapped in a car with me for fifteen minutes and unloaded everything about the book I wanted to tell him last night

I'm home now. I'm tired. I need to do laundry because Silas has no more clean clothes. But I'm going to bed instead because I simply cannot do laundry in this state. That is all. Goodnight/morning/afternoon/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, Martin Luther King Jr. Day/ect...


  1. awww! poor thing! I'd come do your laundry for you... I love doing it. {hugs} get some sleep, why don't ya? :P

  2. I can't quit laughing. The four stages of having to pee in the middle of the night?! IT'S TRUE! (Even for me still - not pregnant and still suffering the effects.) hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I hope you get a good nap.

  3. If you passout in your puke you know you have to send me a picture.


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