My heart feels heavy all the time and I have trouble remembering a time when it felt light. I feel very emotionally fragile. Everything makes me cry and I never know what's going to cause my next breakdown. I hate crying in public.
Yesterday we drove past the children's hospital and there was a woman pushing a small boy in a wheelchair. The look of joy on the child's face made it clear that it was the first time he has been allowed outside in a long time. I remember that look on Jason's face. I completely fell apart. Silas tried valiantly to put me back together - we still had places we had to go that evening.
I don't feel like smiling at all. It takes a huge amount of effort to be normal, which makes it hard for me to interact with other people, even my friends. I don't want to bring other people down or expose them to my pain. I want other people to be happy, even if I can't be right now. So I avoid talking about the fact that I'm depressed.
This song by Superchick pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the past week or so: