Friday, April 23, 2010

Beauty from Pain

My heart feels heavy all the time and I have trouble remembering a time when it felt light. I feel very emotionally fragile. Everything makes me cry and I never know what's going to cause my next breakdown. I hate crying in public.

Yesterday we drove past the children's hospital and there was a woman pushing a small boy in a wheelchair. The look of joy on the child's face made it clear that it was the first time he has been allowed outside in a long time. I remember that look on Jason's face. I completely fell apart. Silas tried valiantly to put me back together - we still had places we had to go that evening.

I don't feel like smiling at all. It takes a huge amount of effort to be normal, which makes it hard for me to interact with other people, even my friends. I don't want to bring other people down or expose them to my pain. I want other people to be happy, even if I can't be right now. So I avoid talking about the fact that I'm depressed.

This song by Superchick pretty much sums up how I've been feeling the past week or so:

6 comments:

  1. I understand every single word you've typed. But I haven't heard this song before. Listening to it now. Thanks. I appreciate it (this week is one year since Landon died.) So I hear you. And I will absolutely pray for you!

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  2. I'm not sure that listening to music like that wouldn't make me depressed, even if I wasn't already. I suggest the philosophy espoused in Isaiah 51:11-12. Music should be used to comfort, not oppress.

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  3. I'm praying you find comfort. Allow yourself the grief process. Remember - Joy cometh in the morning! :)

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  4. T in Mapleton (yes, I know you) did you listen to ALL the words of this song? I DO find it comforting both in lyric and tune. When your heart is grieving you don't listen to "happy" music, but music that soothes that hurting place in your soul. I find it offensive to say that the music is making her depressed and not her grief. Do you want to lay another burden on her by telling her she violating God's word by listening to this Christian song? Put the legalism aside and let her grieve in her own way.

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  5. Kari, please read carefully, I did not say the music was making her depressed, I said it would make ME depressed. I find the lyrics and the tune depressing. As for being a "Christian" song, how so? How does my comment represent legalism? Legalism being legislating where God has not. Do you have some other definition? When we let our feelings lead us instead of bringing every thought captive we don't violate God's Word, but we fail to follow God's wise counsel and are worse off for it. Again, if it is comfort that is sought, then it can be found in God's Word. Not everyone wants to be comforted, as there is some gain in publicizing one's sorrow instead.

    That old legalist the Apostle Paul said this, "Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Phil. 4:8 Those are not platitudes to be shared only when we are happy, but the very wisest advice for when we mourn as well.

    Grief is a feeling, and we don't have much control over our feelings. But GRIEVING is an action, a behavior, over which we can exercise control. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, but there are right ways and wrong ways to grieve.

    I hope you don't believe you know more or care more about Elisabeth's grief than I. As her mother, I must do more than just say "Oh you poor, sad thing" and pat her on her head and promise to pray for her. I will share with her what I have learned about grieving in the hopes that it will be a help to her.

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Muse with me. Please?