Leaving Iowa City was hard for me. I felt like I was leaving behind Jason and my grieving family. I knew that once I arrived back in Pittsburgh I would have to continue on with life. I know that I can't dwell in this place of sadness forever, nor would Jason want me to, but there is a part of me that wants to stay sad.
There are wonderful things for me to experience in the coming months. Silas will be starting a new job, the baby will be here this summer, we'll be moving to a bigger house this fall and getting a car. But I feel almost guilty for enjoying these things. I wanted Jason to be a part of this year. I really looked forward watching him hold and talk to my baby. Alot. I didn't even realize how much I wanted that until it became impossible.
At my aunt's request, my Mom packed up a bunch of Jason's toys to take back to Oregon for Maggie, Walter, and Tommy to play with. I looked at the pile of Jason's things sitting by the door as they were carried out to the car. It almost seemed like they were being stolen and that Jason would be coming home any moment to find his things gone.
There were a few things there that I remembered Jason and I playing with at the hospital, a favorite block puzzle, Jenga, and a compact edition of Candy Land. I took those with me. I want to share them with my children.
So. Silas and I have arrived back in Pittsburgh last night. Nothing has changed. Everyone's lives here in the Burgh are the same. Except mine. I know a "normal" will emerge out of this at some point. There will be a "life as usual" again. Just not yet.