Saturday, April 10, 2010

Life as Usual?

Leaving Iowa City was hard for me. I felt like I was leaving behind Jason and my grieving family. I knew that once I arrived back in Pittsburgh I would have to continue on with life. I know that I can't dwell in this place of sadness forever, nor would Jason want me to, but there is a part of me that wants to stay sad.

There are wonderful things for me to experience in the coming months. Silas will be starting a new job, the baby will be here this summer, we'll be moving to a bigger house this fall and getting a car. But I feel almost guilty for enjoying these things. I wanted Jason to be a part of this year. I really looked forward watching him hold and talk to my baby. Alot. I didn't even realize how much I wanted that until it became impossible.

At my aunt's request, my Mom packed up a bunch of Jason's toys to take back to Oregon for Maggie, Walter, and Tommy to play with. I looked at the pile of Jason's things sitting by the door as they were carried out to the car. It almost seemed like they were being stolen and that Jason would be coming home any moment to find his things gone.

There were a few things there that I remembered Jason and I playing with at the hospital, a favorite block puzzle, Jenga, and a compact edition of Candy Land. I took those with me. I want to share them with my children.

So. Silas and I have arrived back in Pittsburgh last night. Nothing has changed. Everyone's lives here in the Burgh are the same. Except mine.  I know a "normal" will emerge out of this at some point. There will be a "life as usual" again. Just not yet.

6 comments:

  1. It takes a long time. A very long time. Even then, things will never be the same, and you'll remember him at the oddest times. Praying for you. :'(

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  2. Stephanie McAllisterApril 10, 2010 at 8:48 PM

    My Gram has been with Jesus since August 2009, any my Mom still seems to be dealing with her own issues every day because Gram was her every day

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  3. Of course you're still sad and it's ok..every person grieves differently and who has the right to tell you to be all normal when you don't feel like it, right? :( but i DO hope you'll feel better again. Please believe that Jason is in a better place right now and he's no longer in pain.

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  4. Did you see that Dull Razor is also writing about death? It's a good post, I recommend it to your readers. One thing I've noticed since Jason died, especially at the mall playground the other day, is that life is going on all around me, and I have this urge to yell, "Hey! Don't you people know that a very important person just died?" Why do I want them all to share in my misery? It won't bring Jason back and it won't heal my heart. Perhaps it would make me feel just a bit justified in my pain? How silly. God knows we grieve. He just reminds us that we don't grieve as those that have no hope.

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  5. And then I don't know, because I have never had a little cousin. I will pray for you, and your family.

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Muse with me. Please?