If baby poop makes you squeamish stop reading now.
Today I experienced the worst diaper change of my mothering career. Worse than that time I took Gideon's diaper off and he peed in my shoe which I was wearing. Worse than pee in my shoe, you guys.
This morning I got Gideon up and took him down stairs to eat breakfast. I put him in his highchair and gave him a muffin from yesterday and I set about smearing my homemade butterfinger bars with chocolate. (More on that later.) Pretty soon Gideon was getting antsy in his chair. And soon after that there came the smell of baby poo a-wafting.
That's a lie. It wasn't the smell of baby poo. It was the smell of full grown man poo. It's probably the worst Gideon has ever smelled, and folks, I didn't wash Gideon with soap for the first six months of his life. I felt that little tinge of morning sickness in my belly. And I was afraid this might turn out to be like that diaper change scene in the first episode of Raising Hope.
So I set Gideon down on the couch and gathered my wipes and a diaper. Gideon, of course, started squirming because he still hasn't recovered from the trauma of his summer diaper rash and now whenever I go to change his diaper he starts crying because he's afraid it's going to hurt. I scolded him and prepared myself for the opening of the diaper.
The diaper opening is a very delicate time in diaper changing life cycle. As a parent you have exactly .8 seconds to evaluate the problem and dispose of the mess and get a new diaper down before baby rolls over, sticks his hands down there, shoves his feet in poop, or decides he's not done and resumes defecation.
As I began to evaluate Gideon's problem it was looking very bad. It was one of those horrible sticky poops. I clasped both of his feet in my hand (diaper changing position), but before I could so much as take a single swipe at the grossness with a wipe Gideon had silmultaneously rolled over AND and stuck his hand right in it.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled, still holding onto his feet... very awkwardly now, as he had rolled over. He began trying to free his feet and whining. I was trying to keep his poop covered back, front and hand from touching anything. I saw my couch flash before my eyes. Maybe I was going to get a chance to use that "how to reupholster your couch" pin sooner than I had intended.
But I somehow managed to wipe his hand and his butt without ruining any furniture. Gideon was still being squirmy, though.. And you know what he did? He squirmed my water bottle right into the pile of poop. Lid first. I pulled it out. It looked like someone had just shoved my water bottle into a bowl of nutella. Disgusting. That morning sickness twinge was felt again.
But no. I am a grown up. I am the mom. I am the boss. I am equipped with big girl panties. And you know what? I cleaned that mess up. Owned that horrible diaper and its contents. And I threw away the water bottle because, you know, it will never, ever be clean again. Ever.